Dear Darla,
Thank you for the update on your love life. I’m glad that you have taken to heart the letter that I sent you last time. Thank you as you have clearly read my letter and took to heart the advice I gave. I’m sure it was a difficult thing for you to read the letter and not presume that I am judging you without listening to your concerns. Your response to my letter brings me comfort. I thank God that the advice made sense to you and that you are willing to consider it.
However, you have said you have questions you need answers before you will consider letting go of the unbelieving guy courting you at the moment. Allow me to list your questions and my responses to your questions in the next few letters. My hope is that the Spirit of God will bless these little bits of counsel and give you the wisdom and courage to do what is right and good.
The first question you brought up is, “if it is not God’s will for the both of you to be together, why did He allow you to fall in love with the guy?”
That’s a legitimate question, asked by countless boys and girls who have fallen in love with the person that they knew they shouldn’t have fallen in love with. The assumption behind the question is that our feelings determine what God’s will is. God would not have allowed you to fall in love with someone who is not meant for you. Since you have fallen in love with him, then it must mean that He allowed it. Even if he is a nonbeliever, you are holding out on the hope that God somehow has given you the exemption to the rule of 2 Corinthians 6:14.
The problem with this reasoning is two-fold. First, if our feelings determine God’s will, then anything done because of what we feel makes us free from God’s judgment. To make this clearer, let me give an example in Scripture. Remember Cain? He became jealous of Abel and desired to murder him. Was it God’s will that he kill Abel? How about David who had intense desires for Bathsheba? Since he felt strongly for Bathsheba, was Nathan the prophet in the wrong for condemning him? In both examples, the answer is clear: their feelings were not a result of God’s will, but rather a rebellion towards His will.
As we can obey God with our passions, we can also rebel against God with our passions. When you cling to your relationship with an unbeliever because you have fallen in love for him, you are not raising your hands in surrender to His will while singing just as I am. You are actually raising your fingers to your ears to cover them, so that you won’t hear His clear word telling you, “stop!”
The second problem with this reasoning is that you are shifting the blame to God when it is your action that brought you in your present dilemma. As Doug Wilson said, a person doesn’t fall into sin immediately. First they fall gradually, then suddenly. In the same way, you did not suddenly fell in love with Mr. Unbeliever. The reason why you like him is that you and he have entered the zone of vulnerability repeatedly.
The zone of vulnerability is a term coined by Doug Wilson which describes moments where a guy and a girl become vulnerable with each other emotionally, creating a bond that looks like you both are meant to be together. It’s like when Se ri was rescued by Captain Ri on a motorcycle during a gun firefight – they became so close to each other as they both had a common and simultaneous harrowing experience of nearly dying.
Of course you did not enter this zone immediately. At first, you took notice of him as a good friend. Then your relationship moved into a casual nature as you make frequent casual conversations with him – talking about your terror teachers, school projects, and the latest K-POP sensations like GOT7 and Blackpink. As time went by, your trust with each other grew, as well as your appreciation for his good qualities. You noticed that he is the kind of guy you feel safe and happy with – an undivided listener, a gentleman, and a hard-working student. You notice that he is also becoming more attractive as the days go by.
And then, comes the zone of vulnerability. It may have started when he began opening up to you about his problems with his family, about how they don’t understand him nor listen to him. He may have told you how he appreciated your counsel, care, and time listening to him. It may also have progressed when you opened up to him about your problem with your cat, your dog, or even your parents – and how he didn’t start barking out advices, but rather listened to you patiently.
At that time, you found comfort, happiness, and understanding from him and conclude that he must be someone that would make you happy indeed. So, even with all the warnings and prohibitions of Scripture, you ask yourself, “how can something so wrong feel so right?” And so you point the finger to God and say to Him, “if you did not want me to be with Mr. Unbeliever, why did you let me find happiness and comfort in him?”
But, what did God do to push you to the zone of vulnerability? Did you see God push you or coerced you to talk about your problem with your cat to the guy? Did you see Him restrict you in such a way that the only person you could talk to about your problem was the guy? Of course not. God does not tempt anyone (James 1:13). He did not tempt you to seek the guy for comfort when you felt lonely. He actually prohibited you from doing so – by His Word and by the counsel of your godly friends and parents who probably warned you about your actions. Nevertheless, you may have ignored the warnings too often, thus ending up in the zone of vulnerability.
I remember a story I heard when I was young. A prayerful man was stuck on his roof after a flash flood had devastated his community. So he prayed that God might rescue him. After a while, a rescue boat came to rescue him from his predicament. The rescue volunteers were asking him, “come sir, to the boat, we are here to save you.” But the man replied, “no, I don’t need your rescue. God will rescue me, for I prayed to Him and I believe He will.” The boat left, and the flood steadily rose, and he kept praying. After a while a helicopter came, with the rescue volunteers shouting, “come sir, to the helicopter, we are here to rescue you!” Yet the man said “no, I don’t need your rescue. God will rescue me, for I prayed to Him and I believe He will.” The helicopter, after much pleading but to no avail, had to leave. The water then rose until it drowned the man.
Since the man was a believer, though he died, he went to heaven to be in the presence of God. So he asked God, “God, why did you not save me? I believed you would, I prayed! Why did You not rescue me from drowning in the flood?” God replied, “I did answer your prayer! I sent you a rescue boat, yet you ignored it. I sent you a helicopter, yet you still ignored it!”
In many ways, your predicament is quite similar to the praying man. Remember that you once really sought God to give you His will for your love life? Remember at your youth camp three years ago, you prayed to God that He will give you a man after His heart, a Christian man who would pray for you, love you, nurture you, and bring you and your future children to church and serve Him?
You did ask God for His will, and He is faithfully answering your prayer even now.
He is answering it though, not by giving you a flood of emotions that will drive you into a relationship with an unbeliever. He is answering your prayers by giving you people around you and His Word before you, to warn you of the flood and rescue you from it, so that one day you may actually meet the person God has prepared for you with the accompanying aahs and oohhs from the godly ones walking along side you.
However, for you to be rescued, you need to recognize and decide. Which is the flood that will harm you, and which is the rescue boat that will help you?
I hope you consider this letter as a rescue boat that God has sent to help you.
Your Uncle,
Junior