For the next few weeks, I will be writing a fictional interaction with a girl named Darla1. The goal: to put a few little pebbles in shoes of Christian young ladies as they contemplate, muse, discern, seek, and consider God’s will for their love life. All situations, examples, and illustrations are fictional, but more of a composite of various situations I have encountered on this issue.
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? – 2 Corinthians 6:14
Dear Darla,
Thank you for giving an honest update regarding your love life. I know it is difficult to be open about these things, especially to a pastor. After all, we have reputations of being judgers and stiff hollow blocks when it comes to our parishioner’s love-life, right? I know, you’ve heard us preach every other Love Day Fellowship that Christian girls should not be equally yoked with unbelievers. So for you to open up about your love-life, is truly commendable. Not only that, for you to be honest that the young man courting you now is an unbeliever, your honesty is much appreciated and helpful.
In our last conversation, you gave several reasons – three if I counted correctly – of why you are entertaining and not rejecting his courtship. So that our communication will be as clear as a full-bar 5G data signal, I will rewrite your reasons first for you to check if I have understood it correctly. At the same time, I will give you my two cents about the reasons you gave, based on what Scripture says. My goal in this letter is to help you think through the decisions you are making.
“Is it wrong for him to court me?”
First, you asserted that he is not doing anything wrong in courting you. After all, it’s still courtship. It’s not like you have already decided to say “yes” to him. It’s not like both of you are already an item, walking in the mall with your hands intertwined like a cinnamon flavored pretzel. No, you said know your boundaries, and I believe you. You said you decided to allow the courtship because (1) you are already comfortable with him since you were friends from childhood, and (2) you do want to get to know him more and pray about it and (3) if you’re being honest, you do like him. Did I get your reasons right?
Yes, you are right that he is not doing anything wrong in courting you. He is not sinning, as a man, to court a woman he likes, to one day be lawfully wedded to this woman. In this matter I agree with you and am siding with you. Yet, the issue is not with him. It is with you. It is you who are in the wrong. For the command to not be equally yoked with an unbeliever was given to the believer, not the unbeliever. In this case, that believer is you.
If you had been an unbeliever, and the man was the believer, he would be sinning, not you, for he is the one violating the command God gave to the believer. Or if both of you were unbelievers, you would not be sweating out what 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, for (1) you don’t believe it in the first place, and (2), your main problem will not be courtship, but unbelief.
So the problem with this courtship you have going on right now with the young man is not that the young, eligible bachelor of a man is courting you – he has every right to do so. The problem with this courtship before our holy God is you the believer. You have been given instructions as clear as the sunlight on a white-hot summer to not be equally yoked with an unbeliever. Yet, you are, in opening the door of your heart with your ‘yes,’ suppressing the command. You are entertaining the courtship that God had placed a bright, crimson red stop sign on.
Yes, I hear you. You are not yet an item yet. You are still praying about it. Still considering it. That’s why you asked for counsel. For that I applaud you. I know you don’t want to be disobedient to God and truly want His will for your life. Yet, think about what you are saying.
If you know that you should not be entering into a relationship with an unbeliever, but you said ‘yes’ to his courtship, aren’t you giving him false hope? Why say yes to him when you have no plans to enter a relationship with him due to his faith? Aren’t you lying to him?
Now you may say, “it’s not my intention to lie to him, I just feel that saying yes to him in courtship will make him happy. I don’t want to hurt him outright.” In that case, consider this thought experiment: say your dad who works abroad and hasn’t been home suddenly messaged you and promised you that he will return for your graduation. Now the graduation is tomorrow, but you find out that he hasn’t filed leave for work nor bought an air ticket. You asked him about it and he ends up saying that he hadn’t really planned to attend your graduation, but rather just promised something in the hopes of making you feel happy. Wouldn’t you feel sad and disappointed? Not because your father couldn’t make it, but because he gave you a false hope? In the same way, wouldn’t you be actually hurting the courting young man if you said yes to his courtship, but have no plan of saying yes to him on the altar?
But if you say, “well, I’m not saying there is no chance that we can be together in the future,” does that mean that you are planning give God false hope that you plan on disobeying his command? Will you not then be lying to God, the one you committed to obey and follow, the one you said you will trust with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5)?
Unless of course you are hoping that in due season God will be gracious to save him and make him a believer?
This brings me to your next reason.
“Why not share the Gospel to him and give him a chance to be a believer?”
Second, you reiterated to me that you know and understand that it is wrong to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). However, what bothers you is that since he is an unbeliever, shouldn’t the church be all about sharing the Gospel to him and reaching out to him? Why then, instead of welcoming him when he attended church with you, they all got steely-eyed stares directed at him and at you? For you, what’s disappointing is that a church who is serious about the Gospel should be loving towards unbelievers and seeking to share the Gospel to them.
Again, I agree with you a 100%. The church is called to love people enough to share the Gospel with them, whether they be alcoholics, porn addicts, cussers, homosexuals, externally religious, political fanatics, and even courters of Christian young women. In your situation, the church’s duty and privilege is to reach out and share the Gospel to the young man courting you. Church members ought not to be glaring at a person simply because he is an unbeliever inside the church. Yes, the best thing they could do is share the Gospel and bring him along in discipleship, as they would do with any random unbeliever who walks into church.
Yet, before we make assumptions, we should ask the church members who saw you entering the chapel with the young man – why were they glaring at the both of you? Are they glaring because he is an unbeliever? I don’t think so, and I know you don’t too. If they were glaring because he is an unbeliever, then for sure there is a Facebook Secret Group out there who has unbelieving visitors asking everyone to avoid your church because your church has a Glaring Welcoming Committee. Yet I doubt you’ll find any kind of group about your church.
For I’m sure they were glaring – steely-eyed – not on who they were seeing, but on what they were seeing.
What they were seeing was not an unbeliever simply attending a worship service. They were seeing an unbeliever who led their beloved sister in the Lord to sin against God by being unequally yoked with an unbeliever and being unrepentant about it. Furthermore, in their eyes, this beloved sister is bringing the person she is sinning with before them nonchalantly, as if nothing wrong is being done.
Of course, that is not your motive for bringing him to church. I’m sure you brought him to church because you want him to hear the Gospel. You want him to experience the same wonderful, amazing grace you experience when God convicted you of your sin and brought you to repentance and faith. Yet, that is not what they see, and you can’t blame them. Here’s why:
Here’s another thought experiment. Supposed your church elder committed adultery with an unbeliever. Then the Sunday after being exposed for his sin, he brings his mistress to the church service as if nothing happened, all smiley, while his wife and kids are in the same congregation. How will the church members look at both the elder and the mistress? Will they be all smiles? Or will they not glare and even confront the elder for doing something like that?
Now, should the church members be reaching the young man and sharing the Gospel with him? Absolutely. Yet, if they do glare before they confront and share the Gospel with the young man, know why they are doing so.
The church members who glare, glare because they care about you. Their glare is them rebuking you for the wrong, sinful choice you made. They care about your choice, because they are really concerned about the consequences it will bring to you and the young man.
Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
profuse are the kisses of an enemy.Proverbs 27:5-6
If they did not care about you, they will probably do one of two things. Either they will ignore you as if you and the young man were a newcomer who got lost in the crowd, or they will smile and welcome you as if you’ve done nothing wrong. The former action indicates that they don’t notice you. The latter shows that they want to flatter you so that you will like them, but they could care less when you suffer the consequences.
A lying tongue hates its victims,
and a flattering mouth works ruin.Proverbs 26:28
Now, you might be saying, “Well, I understand and appreciate that the church members care about me, but they don’t have to worry – my parents know this, and they are the ones who allowed him to court. They don’t mind he courts me, as long as he does so at home.”
Which of course brings me to your next reason.
”My parents don’t mind that he courts me”
Third, you confirmed that your courtship is somewhat alright, as the young man courting you did it properly, asking permission from your parents, and your parents didn’t mind. You mentioned that when he met your parents to ask permission to court you, he personally went to your home, knocked on the door three times, and entered your home respectively. While sweating profusely and mumbling his words, he courageously asked your parents if he could court you. To your relief, your parents nodded in approval, and talked with him about rules and expectations they have – like courting only at home – and so far, he has been faithfully following the rules. If my parents approve, what’s wrong with our courtship?
I agree, this is a more difficult reason to deal with. After all, your parents’ say in your relationship matters, and so far, it is being honored. Good for you, having a young man court you in a respectable manner. How wonderful would it be if Christian men would be faithful in respecting the girl’s parents.
However, I have a few questions about your parents’ involvement in your courtship. First, did you ask your parents in advance what they thought about the young man as your potential future partner? Did you seek their thoughts and opinions on the matter before the young man came and asked their permission? Or did they find out that he wanted to court you when the young man knocked on your house door three times? Second, if your parents said no, what would you have done? More importantly, what did your parents think you would have done?
The reason I ask these questions is because very often in today’s cultural norm, parents give their approval even if they don’t approve.
What do I mean? Well for starters, let’s say that your parents knew you were the kind of kid who would raise the rebel flag and shout “freedoooooom” against her parents if they told her ‘no.’ Let’s say that when you were growing up, you had the tendency to throw tantrums, toys, or a good handful of pancit canton if they said, “no, you can’t watch TV.” Or maybe they saw that you tend to do things they prohibited behind their back. What would they think your actions will be had they said ‘no’ to the young man’s request? They probably thought that you would still enter into courtship, spending alone times in the dark with him, behind their backs, or behind their house. Your parents probably thought that it would be better to say, ‘yes,’ but with rules, so that at least they can protect and guard you from doing something regretful if you were left alone. So yes, they approved, but they do so just as a hostage negotiator approves the payment of the ransom money for fear of losing the hostages.
How then would you know if your parents really approve? That’s the reason I asked the first question: have you talked with your parents one on one before the young man came and asked permission? Did you ask for their permission first? Did you hear their misgivings and concerns? If they were to say ‘no,’ do they know that you are the kind of daughter who will honor their ‘no’ more than the young man’s ‘yes?’
If your answer is “yes, and they still approved,” then their approval is the problem, for their approval is unbiblical. Though they have authority over you, it is creaturely authority. Ultimately we are called to obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29).
However, if your answer is “no, I had already decided to let the young man court me, I’m merely letting my parents know my decision,” then the problem is your attitude. It is an attitude of rebellion disguised in Christianese performance of seeking permission from the parents, when there permission is irrelevant as you have already made the decision.
What’s the big deal with being an unbeliever?
Ultimately (and yes, I am coming to the end so don’t throw this letter away now), the big, lingering question that you probably have under all these is probably this: what’s the big deal with being courted by an unbeliever?
What if he is a good man, willing to listen to the Gospel, attend Bible studies, be baptized, and serve the Lord? I mean, I have other church mates who had unbelieving guys courting them, and they turned out to be active church members in the long run?
For starters, it’s God’s command. Now God’s command may seem restricting, kill joy and harmful, after all, the devil does deceive a lot of people into thinking that, so I’m not surprised that you and I feel that at times. Yet, God’s command is meant to bless us. It’s meant to bless you. It’s meant to bless the young man.
“See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil. If you obey the commandments of the Lord your God that I command you today, by loving the Lord your God, by walking in his ways, and by keeping his commandments and his statutes and his rules, then you shall live and multiply, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land that you are entering to take possession of it.
Deuteronomy 30:15-16
So the question you have to wrestle with in all honesty, do you want a relationship blessed by God? or unblessed by God?
Second, disobedience very often doesn’t result in obedience. Yes, you personally know Christian ladies courted by unbelieving men, and while they were in their relationship, eventually, the man became a Christian and is now active in serving the Lord.
I also know people with that kind of experience. All I can say is, praise God for His grace.
Yet, I suspect that the reason you are bringing this up is because you believe that if that can happen to them, it can happen to you. And if that is the case, why all the fuss?
Well, because for every success story, there is an equal, if not more, number of tragic, painful stories. There are stories of wives who are no longer in church, because the husband who initially expressed interest in the Christian faith no longer does so. There are wives who do have their husbands with them on the pew on Sunday, yet they break down in tears as they see their husband live like the world from Monday to Saturday. For every success story, there is a greater number of painful stories.
Now, I’m not trying to use results as the basis for your decision. The fact that the results are varied means that they won’t be a reliable basis for the decision you are making. I believe that when an unbelieving courter becomes a Christian in a relationship, it is because of God’s mercy. On the other hand, when an unbelieving courter remains an unbeliever in a relationship, it is because of God’s discipline. It is God who decides what to do, but one thing is for sure – disobedience is never God’s means to bless His children. He blesses them despite of their disobedience not because of it.
Third, it’s because an unbeliever is dead in his sin, while you are alive in Christ.
And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. – Ephesians 2:1-3
I placed this last, because this is the most important thing you need to consider. Yes, you have told me that your courter is a good man. You’ve known him for years. You know his character more than C.S. Lewis knows Edmund. You have also said that he is more faithful compared to the litany of Christian men who have courted you before.
Yet his problem is not the attitude you perceive of him, it’s his status before God.
He is dead. Spiritually dead. Separated from God.
Because he is dead, he is a slave to his sin. He is a child of wrath. He has a heart of stone.
Now you may say, well as long he is a good person, that should suffice. Yet look at what kind of husband God wants for you:
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. – Ephesians 5:25-27
God’s desire for you is to have a husband who leads in love. What kind of love? The kind of love Christ has for the church. Well what kind of love does Christ have for the church? It is a love that sacrifices so that his bride may be saved. It is a love that sanctifies, working hard so that the bride is pure, holy, and blameless.
This means the husband that God wants for you, is one who knows how to be saved in Christ and leads you and your children to that saving knowledge. It means that God wants you to have a husband who knows God’s commands and works hard to ensure you are becoming Christlike more and more. If you are discontent, God wants you to have a husband who teaches you contentment. If you have bitterness, God wants you to have a husband who nurtures you to forgive. If you have doubt, God wants you to have a husband who models what it means to believe.
The problem you have is, when you have a child in the future and your child is sick, will you have a husband who will go down on his knees to seek the Lord’s healing? When you are depressed, will you have a husband who will open the Word and speak words of comfort from the Bible? When you are burdened by anxiety, will you have a husband who will lead you in prayers with thanksgiving, that the peace of God will rule your hearts (Philippians 4:6-7)?
If the young man courting you is an unbeliever, he won’t be any of these for you.
He is a good man, sure, but according to God, at best you are being courted by a good zombie.
What now?
Now you may be saying, “I know it’s wrong, but what do I do?” If you do say such words, let me just say, Kudos! You are heading the right direction. Start by really confessing what you did as wrong, as sin. By entertaining his courtship, you have sinned against God. Confess it to God, don’t minimize it. The good news is that He has forgiven you your sin and cleansed you from all unrighteousness.
Second, repent. This means, talk to the young man sincerely and have an honest conversation. Say ‘no’ and be clear about it. Don’t say, “I truly want to be with you, pero bawal…” This means you are not really repenting, just playing the part. True repentance is a grace of God where change happens in your heart, seen by change in your decision. If you don’t feel repentant, pray until you do.
Third, seek counsel and accountability with an older sister in the Lord. There will be times you will be tempted to reignite your courtship. You need someone to walk with you, encourage you, and rebuke you. Get someone who is not slightly older than you, but one who is matured due to (1) being married, and (2) being a Christian for a long time. Why married? I’ll explain in a future letter, Lord willing.
Fourth, talk to your pastor about the young man. Tell him of the young man who is still an unbeliever. Tell him that you want him to get to know the Lord, not because you want to validate your courtship upon his baptism, but because you truly care for him and want him to be saved in Christ. His attempted courtship towards you should not ban him from the life changing Gospel. He needs it, just as you do.
I know this is a long letter, and if you find it too long, well, sorry, but not sorry. Hopefully some bits and pieces in this letter has given you food for thought. Always know though, we are praying for you.
Your Uncle,
Junior
- Credits to Doug Wilson’s Dear Darla series in Blog and Mablog, later published in a book titled “Get the Guy: How to Be the Kind of Woman the Kind of Man You Want to Marry Would Want to Marry.” A great book by the way. ↩︎