The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
Jeremiah 17:9
Very often this verse is quoted in Youth Love Day Fellowships, LCM Seminars (Love, Courtship, and Marriage), and anything to do with talks about love. It is quoted as a warning, and as a promise. The warning: don’t fall for your emotions. Wag ka pa-fall. The promise: if you do so, God will bring you to your soul-mate. As simplistic as this may sound, it is very well the gist of the messages about love: delay entering in a relationship while you are studying. Once you graduate, and you are working, you can now enter into a relationship – a Godly one in fact.
Yet what I witnessed on the ground is an external application of the message above, but an internal rejection of it. This means that the youth will not enter a relationship with someone as boyfriend and girlfriend, but they will do so in another label. What I mean is this: many of the youth who were told to guard their heart, to trust the Lord do not “officially” enter a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. However, they will commit themselves to one another in a special kind of relationship – the land between “just friends” and “in a relationship.” They will call it Mutual Understanding (MU), Prayer Partner (PP), Best Friends (BF), Talking Stage (TS), and whatnot. In short, they will still be following their heart, and trying to cover it up by using non-boyfriend/girlfriend labels. What’s more audacious however, is that after graduation, they will magically be an item and have the galls to thank God for faithfully preserving them to be together as soul-mates at last.
Liars. I don’t care what label you hide it with. You know you are lying. You are even mocking God by attributing to God to be faithfully in blessing your lie. God will be your judge for every deception you make.
Confess your sin. Don’t hide it. If you are doing it now, repent.
Please.
However this writing is not for those above. This is for those who supposedly did not follow their heart during their youth, but you are now a Single Young Adult. This is for the guy who remained faithful in the church ministry, abstained from entering into any kind of romantic relationship with the opposite sex, waited until graduation, getting a stable job – and all the while playing it safe, refusing to pursue a girl, but rather can be found criticizing those who do pursue girls and fail.
To you Mr. Nice Guy, or the White Knight – I say hello!
I’m writing to you for three reasons. First, I was like you. I know how you think and how you act and the reason why you do so. I was also rebuked by men who knew better. Now I know better, I am rebuking you as well – out of love. Second, I learned this from other faithful men. Michael Foster and Douglas Wilson were two pastors who spoke on this issue. To them I am indebted with this idea of the nice guy.
Second, just as the playboy and MU-er are deceived into following their heart while thinking they are not following their heart, so are you deceived as well. You have also been deceived into following your heart, even if you feel you did not. Sure, you did not follow other people’s hearts. When their hearts screamed to cover up their relationships with their girlfriends with euphemistic names such as ka-MU, or ka-Talking Stage, you thankfully did not give in to the same temptations. Sure, you were active in the church, you did not court or date anyone. Yet, are you sure you did not give in to your heart’s desire?
To help you understand your probable dilemma, it would be helpful if we clarify what kinds of deceptions our heart can churn. If we can clarify what the deception looks like, it may be that the Lord will be gracious to use this humble attempt of clarity to open your eyes to the lies your heart has been telling you. I pray that not only will God be gracious enough to open your eyes, may He also be gracious to lead you out of the lie into truth, to turn you from a Nice Guy to a Biblical Guy.
There are multiple ways your heart can deceive you into becoming a Nice Guy. However as a committed three-point sermon Baptist preacher, I’ll focus on three signs or syndromes Mr. Nice Guys have that are rooted in heart-deceit.
The Nice Guy has an imposter syndrome.
The Nice Guy does his best to hide his struggles with his sexual desires. He goes to church, attends care groups, serves in the ministry – all smiles and all sacrificial. He is the earliest or one of the earliest to be in the practice, and the one who would be awarded as the most faithful ministry leader. Yet, no one is aware of his struggles with his sexual desires. Not his pastor, his parents, his accountability partner. And even if they know it, he often confesses his struggles when he has convinced himself that he has overcome it.
The Nice Guy tends to become an imposter.
Why is he an imposter? Two reasons come to mind. First, he is a people pleaser. His service in the church is largely motivated by the pleasing of those around him. He doesn’t want to be seen as a disappointment or a failure. He wants to be seen as great, nice, and able. Hence he tries to hide it as much as he can. And even if he knows he needs to confess his sins, he will only confess it when it will make him look like an overcomer – thus confessing the sins in a manner that he adds a disclaimer at the end – “pero I’m doing fine now, I’ve let go of my sin already.”
Michael Foster puts it this way:
A “nice guy” is a man who thinks that if he is approval-seeking enough, women will desire him, men will respect him, and he’ll get the things he wants in life. It’s a delusion. 1
Are you that kind of guy? Do you see how being active in the church doesn’t mean you are no longer following your heart? You still can be following your heart, your desire to look good and be liked – and lying about yourself in order to be seen in that light.
Instead of being a Nice Guy, be a Biblical Guy.
A Biblical Guy is one who is honest with his sins and struggles. Of course, this does not mean that he has to confess his failures in public or in the large gathering. Doing so is not helpful, it is harmful – to the new believers, and also to you, for authenticity can often lead to showmanship (i.e. the many pastors who publicly profess their weaknesses and sins in preaching in order to be seen as authentic).
No, a Biblical Guy is honest with his sins because he knows (1) he cannot hide it, (2) hiding it does not lead to forgiveness (3) confessing it is what frees Him. He believes what God says in 1 John 1:9 – If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. He sees no need to be an imposter because he has no reputation of his own to protect, and he has no one whom he can fully please. He believes what Spurgeon says about criticism, “Brother, if any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him; for you are worse than he thinks you to be.”
The Nice Guy has a critical syndrome.
The Nice Guy can be mostly seen speaking to and comforting sisters in Christ on the botched attempts of brothers who are courting them. No, he doesn’t do the courting, but he feels he is a fair and good judge in evaluating the courtship attempts of the men in his church towards the single ladies in his circle of friends. He will be quick to point out their character flaws – how the men courting are really pa-asa, immature, irresponsible, two-timers, etc. He will also be quick to identify their botches in their courtship attempts and present himself to the lady as someone who has a better and more godlier approach. At times he will also have a passive-aggressive approach – where he will give approval albeit with hints of discouragement.
Why? Again because he is a people pleaser. He doesn’t want to be offensive to the damsel asking counsel from him. He wants to be seen as capable and a kind of savior to the single lady.
The problem: he doesn’t actually court anyone himself. He is afraid of rejection, humiliation, and therefore is most comfortable criticizing others attempting to court. He does this in order to feel validated, more spiritual – and with a few “oo nga”s, and amens from the single ladies – feel more capable in being a responsible and godly man. In short he does this to present himself as the lady’s white knight – the capable (but faux) warrior who is here to save the damsel in distress from another guy’s bumbling courtship.
The problem: once he starts courting (which is rare), he fumbles and mumbles away and excuses his singleness at the age of 50 for not having found the right woman.
So instead, be a Biblical Guy. Instead of merely criticizing, goes out, takes risk and bears fruit, in the world of courting.
I’m not saying that a guy should court all the a time any girl he sees. Yes, there are biblical standards. Yet for the guy, the standards are pretty free. If you are a single working young Christian man praying for a lifetime partner. Pray! And while praying you find a woman who is godly, attractive, and someone you enjoy being with – go and court her. Take the risk. Don’t be afraid to get rejected. As Michael Foster, a pastor who speaks on this issue quite often, said that if the godly woman courted rejects the courtship – her rejection is her loss, not yours.”
So if you have a desire for a spouse, don’t be afraid to pray for, look for, and court a single godly lady you are attracted to and enjoy being around.
The Nice Guy has a neediness syndrome.
The Nice Guy can be seen bearing the qualities of a servant leader, especially among single ladies. They are helpful to them, going the extra mile in serving them, spending hours on Facebook messenger listening to their concerns and burdens – with the ladies ending up saying that the woman who will be the Nice Guy’s wife will be truly blessed. How wrong they are.
One reason why the nice guy is very serving and accommodating to his single sisters in Christ, and especially to the one he is attracted to, is because he has a neediness that he believes the girl he is attracted to will fulfill. More specifically, he believes that his service and kindness will result in him getting what he wants from the girl. If the girl is single and attractive, to him, it means she will give him her yes when he does eventually muster up the guts to court her. If the girl is his wife, it means that in his service and putting up with her quirks, he will get what he wants – sex, loyalty, and whatnot.
The problem props up when the girl does not give what he wants. He will spend hours listening to her problems, accompanying her to buy materials for her thesis project, waiting for her two hours in the rain so that they can go home together (as friends). Once he musters up the courage to say “I like you, can we be more than friends,” and she says, “I like you too, as a friend,” ohhhh, all hell is going to break lose.
He will start by manipulating their relationship by suddenly putting their friendship on hold. He will give her the silent treatment, stop replying to her messages, and keep away from her when they see each other at church. The girl, as she is emotionally linked to Mr. Nice Guy,” will attempt to meet and offer up affirmations of how special the guy is, that she treasures their friendship, etc.” The guy, not getting his ‘yes’, but getting affirmation that he matters, will restore his communication and friendship with the girl – having manipulated her to get the affirmation and specialty he needed to hear in all his insecurity.
The Nice Guy serves out of his neediness, his insecurity. He manipulates and cajoles in order to meet that neediness.
The Biblical Guy however is different, not in his service, but in his reason for service. If the Nice Guy serves out of his neediness. The Biblical Guy serves out of his abundance.
Michael Foster’s tweet summarizes the mentality of the nice guy vs. the biblical guy expertly:
Nice guys serve in the hopes of getting something for themselves from others (often their wives). It’s highly transactional. Biblical men serve because they are giving of themselves for others. It’s done to bless. This is because: Nice guys have a neediness mentality. Their cup is empty. They are their own Lord. They always wants. They come off as desperate and needy. Biblical men have an abundance mentality. Their cup overflows. The Lord is their shepherd. They shall not want. They come off as confidence and secure.2
Are you a Christian man? You don’t have to be desperate and needy for your crush’s, girlfriend’s, or wife’s affection and affirmation. Let them give it to you because you treat them, pursue them, and love them appropriately.
If you are a single Christian man, it means:
- Don’t be an imposter. Be honest that you have a desire for a single lady in Christ.
- Don’t be a criticizer. Be bold. Take risk. Court the single Godly lady you are attracted to and enjoy being with.
- Don’t be needy. God is your Shepherd. He provides your needs. Don’t make your crush, your girlfriend, or your wife be the provider of yours. Serve out of the abundance of love and care God has given you. Serve without the motive of getting anything in return.
Ibid.